Why Sugar Should Be Illegal
by distraught.hallelujah
Summary: Satomi Fujibayashi is sick of the antics of her five little brothers. However, neither Toshiro Hitsugaya nor Satomi expected them to take upon themselves the responsibility of Operation Lip-lock, a top-secret mission involving their older sister, a certain white-haired child prodigy, and a forced first kiss…
1. Chapter 1

Excerpt

* * *

"We'll need some sort of diversion," she said. She turned towards the captain, her eyes sorrowful. "I'll distract them, Hitsugaya-san, and you run. Just run and don't look back. If… if I don't ever see you again, I want to let you know that these past few days have been bearable thanks to you. I… you're just going to let me go on, aren't you?"

"You're facing a toddler armed with a spoon," the captain pointed out. "The odds are in your favor. But go ahead, keep talking."

* * *

Chapter One

* * *

"Good morning, Ururu," the girl said cheerfully, appearing at the door of Urahara's Shop. She dropped a hand to muss Ururu's hair affectionately.

This girl was a regular at the shop. Her name was Satomi Fujibayashi and she shopped there at least once a week, and always brought Ururu little toys. Ururu herself had taken quite a liking to this tall high school student.

"Good morning, Satomi-san," Ururu said eagerly, her dark little eyes darting down to the bag in Satomi's hands. Satomi laughed.

"Guess what I brought you today?" She asked, crouching down and putting a hand in her bag.

"With any luck, some sort of lizard," Jinta grumbled from nearby as he dragged the broom across the lot. Satomi grinned up at him.

"Nope." She pulled her hand out of the bag and quickly slid something over Ururu's head. Ururu looked down at her neck, where a pretty butterfly pendant hung. "Ta-da!" Satomi said, straightening up.

"Oh!" Ururu exclaimed, fingering the little necklace. "It's so pretty!"

"It's just a bug," Jinta said distastefully. Satomi put her hands on her hips.

"Now, now, Jinta. Be charitable. I got you something, too," she said, reaching back into her bag. Despite himself, Jinta looked up hopefully as Satomi slowly drew her hand out of the bag.

"I saw this in a shop, and it was just so cute that I knew I had to get it for you," she said cheerfully, pulling out a Lego set. She tossed it to Jinta, who caught it deftly. It was some sort of alien invasion Lego set – which made Jinta slightly worried by her use of the adjective 'cute.'

"Enjoy," Satomi said with a wink as she slid open the door and entered the shop. Urahara sat near the back as usual, fan in hand, lazily lying across the wood.

"Good morning, Urahara-san. It's quite hot today, isn't it?" Satomi remarked conversationally. Urahara immediately sat up, smiling.

"Ah, Satomi-san! I was expecting you today. Yes, it's quite hot," he said, fanning himself slowly with his little fan. Satomi smiled.

"I'm hoping it'll rain tomorrow. I sure love the rain," Satomi said as she picked out a few different candies.

"In this temperature? No way," Urahara said, shaking his head. Satomi shrugged.

"Hey, a girl can dream," she said.

"How are your brothers?" Urahara asked pleasantly.

"They're doing well. They all told me what they wanted, so I've got to get nearly one of everything now," Satomi joked, grinning. "Oh, well. How are you doing? Not working Ururu and Jinta too hard, are you?"  
"Oh, no, no," Urahara said quickly, snapping his fan open again and waving it a little more fervently.

"Your face betrays you," Satomi said with a sigh, shaking her head.

"Only because you're so good at reading people," Urahara said indignantly. "Otherwise, I'd be perfectly safe."

"Remember that," Satomi said with a chuckle. "I know all your secrets."

"Mm," Urahara murmured, watching her with a strange expression from underneath the brim of his green and white striped hat.

"Well, that'll be all, I think," Satomi said, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a handful of coins. She handed them to Urahara and saluted.

"Have a nice day," she called as she headed back outside.

"Are you leaving already?" Ururu asked as Satomi shut the door behind her.

"Sadly, yes," Satomi said, patting the little girl on the head. "I'm afraid if I don't get this chocolate to my little brothers really fast, it'll melt. Either that, or my brothers will tear apart the house until I give them candy."

"Won't the candy just give them a sugar rush?" Jinta asked from nearby. He was sitting on the ground, the instructions on his lap, putting together the alien ship.

"Yep, but then they'll get worn out and fall asleep, so it's all good," Satomi said. "Sometimes I think I spoil them too much. But hey, with mom and dad off for that conference, I'm in charge. Can't leave them alone too long, you can't trust half of them."

"Be safe!" Ururu called after her as Satomi headed down the street, stopping to turn back and wave goodbye before disappearing. There was a curse from Jinta, who was futilely trying to fit together the alien parts.

"She thinks these are cute?"

* * *

"Hey, Satomi! Did you get them?"

"'Tomi-'Tomi-'Tomi-'Tomi!"

"Nee-san!"

"Candy!"

As soon as Satomi opened the door, she was bowled over by five little boys in an effort to tear the bag away from her.

"Oy! Everyone sits at the table, or you get nothing!" Satomi exclaimed. There was a rush of feet and Satomi removed her shoes, leaving them outside. Then she entered the house and shut the door behind her.

"All right," she said, settling down at the kitchen table next to the youngest, Bunta. There were five boys in total – the oldest, Susumu, then Etsuko, then the twins Shiro and Suguru, and finally Bunta. They were all quite different except for the twins, who were nearly exactly alike in personality if not in looks.

Thanks to her talent for remembering things, Satomi distributed the candy carefully; making sure everyone got what they asked for.

"You guys get to eat half now and half after lunch, okay?" She said, standing up. She headed towards the kitchen area and Bunta immediately scurried after her. He enjoyed sitting and watching people work, and he was usually silent.

On the other hand…

"That was mine!" Shiro exclaimed, grabbing for Suguru's candy. His twin held it away and instead grabbed for Shiro's.

"They're both mine!" He exclaimed. "Give it back!"

"It's not giving it back if I didn't take it from you to begin with! This one's mine!"

"No, that one's mine. This one's yours."

"No, this is mine!"

"Fine, keep it, then!"

"You know Suguru basically just led you in the wrong way so you ended up back where you started, right, Shiro?" Etsuko asked. He was always level, always firm, and the top of his class at school. He was especially popular among the grade school girls. Shiro turned slightly, his face covered in chocolate. He glared at Suguru accusingly as Suguru slowly nibbled his. Shiro took a deep breath. Satomi, keeping an eye out for this, immediately walked over and clapped a hand over his mouth. Shiro let out his breath as Satomi began rubbing the chocolate off his face. She knew Shiro had a tendency to scream whenever Suguru tricked him – which was often.

"Shiro-chan," Satomi scolded lightly. "You know mommy doesn't like it when you do that. Suguru, please don't tease him like that. Susumu, could you please get me a wet washcloth? This chocolate is not coming off."

The oldest of the boys slowly got to his feet and headed down the hall to the bathroom to get a washcloth for Shiro's face while Etsuko looked particularly self-satisfied. Suguru and Shiro scowled at each other.

"How about this," Satomi said brightly. "We'll all go to the park today after lunch."

Every boy in the room suddenly looked up at her, and there was eager silence for a split second before they all opened their mouths simultaneously.

"That's an awesome idea!"

"My sister rocks!"

"She's MY sister! That's my sister over there, ugly."

"Don't call me ugly, ugly!"

"Yes, let's go to the park!"

"Bunta?" Satomi asked softly, turning towards the little boy sitting in the corner. "Do you want to go to the park?"

Slowly, the little boy nodded and raised a hand. Satomi caught his hand before his finger entered his nose.

"Don't pick your nose, Bunta, mommy doesn't like it," she said, straightening up. "All right, it's a plan! We're going to the park after lunch, okay? It's hot today, so make sure you put sun lotion on your face."

"I want to put sun lotion on Suguru's butt," Shiro said seriously.

"Bottom," Satomi corrected automatically. "What would be the point of that? He'll be wearing pants," Satomi said, hiding a smile.

"Don't get your hopes up," Etsuko said seriously. "You don't know them like I do. They're gross."

"Suguru's gross, I'm just mildly unappealing," Shiro said indignantly.

"Oh?" Satomi asked, eyebrow raised. "Who told you that?"

"Susumu did," Shiro said, looking crestfallen as Susumu appeared with a sopping-wet washcloth.

"I see," Satomi said, taking the washcloth from him and wringing it out over the sink. Sighing, she knelt to rub the chocolate off Shiro's face before starting on lunch. As she turned back to the kitchen, there was a thumping sound.

"Hey, 'Tomi?" Suguru asked, looking down at the floor. "You know how you said 'try not to kill each other while I'm gone?' And then Etsuko said, 'They couldn't if they tried?'"

Satomi had a sinking feeling as she slowly turned to face him. Shiro lay on the ground in front of him, his hand thrown haphazardly over his face.

"Well, I think I managed it," Suguru said cheerfully, sitting back down. Satomi rushed over to Shiro and helped him up as he began to cry.

"You okay, Shiro-chan?" Satomi asked.

"That bastard Suguru hit me," Shiro whined.

"Don't use such language," Satomi scolded immediately. "Where did you hear that?"

"He heard it at school and asked me what it meant," Etsuko said indignantly as Shiro raised a hand to point at him.

"You didn't tell him, did you?" Satomi exclaimed, aghast.

"Of course I did," Etsuko said smugly. Satomi made a face.

"Listen, whatever Etsuko said is a lie, okay?" Satomi said firmly, patting Shiro softly on the head.

"So… a bastard isn't a mean twin?" Shiro asked, looking up at Satomi with a mixture of awe and disbelief.

"No, it's…" Satomi stopped herself in time and sighed, closing her eyes for a moment. "It's a bad word, okay? Don't use it. And Etsuko? Don't lie to him, please."

"So next time I'm allowed to actually tell him what it means?" Etsuko asked.

"No, just say you don't know," Satomi said exasperatedly.

"But that would be lying," Etsuko pointed out.

"Yeah, well, it's better than a 5-year-old calling his twin a bastard. That's kind of self-insulting, I should think," Satomi said, shaking her head. "Anyway, everyone wash your hands, we're going to eat."

"I'm going to get there first!" Shiro yelled immediately, leaping up.

"Oh, no you don't!" Suguru exclaimed, racing after him.

The other boys followed.

"Susumu, help the younger boys wash up for lunch, okay?" Satomi called down the hall.

"Fine, but don't expect me to do it well," Susumu called back, disappearing into the bathroom with the other boys. Satomi began humming as she began preparing lunch, which was quick because it was just noodles.

She took out six bowls, counted them twice just to be sure, and gathered spoons as the rampage that signaled the boys' arrival began.

"Serve me first!" Suguru exclaimed.

"I want to eat my candy," Shiro said sadly, looking down at the half bar of chocolate squeezed firmly in his chubby fist. It was melting down his hand.

"I ate mine already," Suguru said, eyeing Shiro's candy. Shiro stuffed it in his mouth before Suguru could try anything funny.

"I said you were only allowed to have half before lunch," Satomi said, sitting Bunta down gently and putting a bowl of ramen in front of him.

"Careful, it's hot," she warned as she brought over the soup bowls. She knelt beside Bunta and took his bowl, to blow on it until it was cool enough for him to eat.

"Hot!" Suguru exclaimed, his spoon ricocheting off the table and flying into the air. Satomi instinctively hopped slightly, throwing up her hand and intercepting it midair. She caught it before it hit the ground and handed it back to Suguru, who chuckled.

"I did warn you," Satomi said kindly.

"He did that on purpose to watch you catch it," Etsuko said disapprovingly.

"Why would he do something like that?" Satomi asked with a frown.

"Because he's a sick pervert, that's why," Susumu said from his quiet little spot. Satomi put her hands on her hips.

"Just perfect," Satomi said sarcastically. "Thank you, Susumu. Now that's going to be the new Word of the Week."

"I'm still on 'bastard,'" Shiro offered helpfully from his spot.

"We're going to have Silent Time, okay? No one talks all through lunch," Satomi said firmly. "Shiro-chan, don't say that word."

"Fine, but before we have Silent Time-"

"Too late, it started already. The person who stays quiet longest wins a hundred yen," Satomi said, settling down with her own bowl of soup beside Bunta. Immediate silence ensued.

"Can we breathe?" Suguru whispered through a clenched jaw, sitting rigid and unmoving.

"No," Satomi spat evilly. Susumu smiled slightly.

"Of course you can!" She exclaimed finally when Suguru began to turn blue. "You can breathe, blink your eyes, and move. You just can't talk and don't do anything loud."

"You lost," Shiro exclaimed, pointing accusingly at Suguru. "Didn't you hear him? He talked."

"You lost first. You breathed without asking if you were allowed," Suguru exclaimed, returning the accusing point.

"You're both still in the game if you don't say another word," Satomi said. The boys contented themselves with glowering from across the table and the rest of the meal was eaten in peace.

* * *

Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya of Squad 10 of the 13 Court Guard Squads sat dejectedly in front of a pile of paper.

"Why is it that I have to do paperwork even when in the World of the Living?" He grumbled to himself. "I just don't understand it. I accepted this mission to get away from the paperwork."

"Maybe it has little legs and follows you around wherever you go," his lieutenant, Rangiku Matsumoto, said cheerfully from across the room. "You're going to be in the middle of a battle, and your enemy looks down, and he starts laughing. You follow his gaze and there's a row of walking paper nicely stacked up heading straight for you-"

"In which case," Captain Hitsugaya interrupted, "it'd follow you as well. You'd be sitting there minding your own business and suddenly-"

"Please don't, captain," Matsumoto said suddenly, throwing a hand up to her generous chest. "Ooh, I got shivers down my spine already."

"Oh, please, Matsumoto," Hitsugaya said distastefully. "Man up."

"I can't, sir, I'm a woman," Matsumoto said matter-of-factly.

"I'm well aware of that. Try the best you can."

"Well aware, huh? Just how long have you known?"

"Are you trying to be funny, or are you drunk, Matsumoto?"

"I don't know. Which do you think?"

"If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say drunk."

"Oh, captain! You wound me."

With a long-suffering sigh, the white-haired child prodigy got up and headed towards the door.

"Are you going someplace fun without me?" Matsumoto exclaimed, getting up immediately.

"I'm going for a walk. Stay, Matsumoto. Guard. Good girl."

"I'm not a dog, captain," Matsumoto said reproachfully.

"No?" The captain asked innocently as he disappeared out the door and into the outside.

* * *

"Come back here, bastard!" Shiro shrieked as he chased his twin across the grass.

"I said not to use that word!" Satomi called from the bench overlooking the park area. Susumu sat next to her silently, his dark eyes following little Bunta, who played in the grass nearby.

"But he _is_," Shiro insisted, stopping to look back at his older sister pleadingly.

"Believe me, he's not," Satomi replied. "You can call him a meany."

"Meany!" Shiro tried. He turned back to her. "It's just not the same," he complained.

"Yeah, well, deal with it!" Satomi called. Shiro raced off after his twin, who had gotten a decent head start. Satomi watched them for a few more minutes in silence, then looked around for Etsuko, who should've also been keeping an eye on them.

He was standing nearby, leaning casually against a pole, surrounded by three girls about his age listening intently to whatever he was saying.

"Oh," Satomi moaned. Susumu glanced at her.

"You all right?" He asked.

"Yeah, it's just tough having to watch all of them. You're watching Bunta, right?" She asked, looking back at Susumu, who nodded.

"Good – don't put that in your mouth, Shiro-chan!" Satomi yelped suddenly, leaping up and racing down the park to where she guessed Suguru had dared Shiro to eat a worm. Susumu leaned back against the bench, enjoying the warm sunlight.

He slowly closed his eyes and found himself falling asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Captain Hitsugaya headed down the street, hands in pockets. He wasn't walking anywhere in particular, which was very different from his usual purposeful walk. He was passing by the park when he spotted a little boy apparently unattended.

"Hey," he called. The boy looked up, sticking a finger up his nose as he did so. Hitsugaya made a face.

"Where's your mother?" the captain asked, looking around. The little boy turned back and looked shocked. The captain sighed and began walking towards the little boy.

"Mommy," the boy said suddenly, pointing to where a tall teenager was pulling apart two little boys. Captain Hitsugaya followed his gaze and his eyes narrowed. She looked far too young to be anyone's mother…

"She's your mommy?" Captain Hitsugaya asked, pointing towards the girl just to be sure. The little boy shook his head.

"'Tomi," he said seriously.

"Oh? Then where's mommy?" Hitsugaya straightened up and looked around the park for any woman nearby. As his gaze fell back on the girl, she was looking his way. Suddenly her eyes widened and she let out a shriek, putting her hands to her mouth in obvious horror.

The captain whipped around. The little boy had kept walking past him and into the street, and a car was heading right for him. Any normal human wouldn't have any time to react, but the captain was not a normal human. He Flash Stepped into the street, snatched up the little boy, and Flash Stepped back to the curb as the car hurtled by. The girl raced towards them, dragging the two boys with her.

"Bunta!" She exclaimed. "Bunta, are you okay?"

The little boy reached up for her and Captain Hitsugaya handed the boy to her. She clutched him closely, tears streaming down her face.

"Thank you so much," she said to the captain, dropping to her knees and gathering all three boys in a big hug. "How did you manage to get him so fast?" She asked wonderingly.

"I was close enough to get him in time," Captain Hitsugaya said vaguely. "I spotted him wandering around unattended."

"Yes, Susumu was supposed to be watching him." The girl glanced back towards the park, her eyes lingering on the older boy sleeping on the park bench.

"Are you his mother?" Captain Hitsugaya asked. The girl blushed, standing up.

"Oh, no," she said quickly. "They're all my brothers. I'm the only girl in the family besides mom, who's away. I was watching them for a while and I guess I thought it'd be a good idea to bring them all to the park. That backfired, huh?"

"I suppose," the captain said. "How many brothers do you have?"

"Five. There's Susumu," the girl pointed to the boy sleeping on the bench, "Etsuko," the girl nodded towards another boy talking with a group of girls nearby. "Then the twins Suguru and – Shiro-chan!" The girl said suddenly, stooping down for one of the boys.

As soon as the captain heard his nickname, he started; looking around eagerly for the only person he knew who called him 'Shiro-chan,' not to mention ready to correct her. He realized the girl had been talking to one of the boys, and he couldn't help feeling slightly disappointed.

"This is Shiro," she said wryly, hefting up the boy who was covered with dirt. Captain Hitsugaya knelt down to inspect this boy.

"He and Suguru are twins," the girl said, nodding to the other boy.

"Bastards," Shiro corrected. The captain was taken aback. The girl immediately slapped the little boy's cheek lightly.

"I said don't use that word," she scolded. "They're not," she assured Hitsugaya, straightening up. "Etsuko told him it meant 'mean twin.'"

Captain Hitsugaya was amused.

"Anyway, my name is Satomi, and this is the youngest, Bunta," the girl finished, nodding to the boy the captain had saved from the car, who was standing nearby and staring down at a flower.

"Don't eat it, Bunta," Satomi ordered, just in case.

"My name is Cap—Toshiro. Toshiro Hitsugaya," Captain Hitsugaya said. "It's nice to meet you."

"How can I thank you? I'm really sorry, I guess I wasn't paying attention to him," Satomi said sadly. "I could maybe make you dinner, or something?"

"It's fine, really. I don't need anything," the captain assured her.

"I need to give you something," Satomi said firmly. "I won't take 'no' for an answer. Really, you deserve it. You can bring your family, if you'd like? What kind of food do you like? I'm sure I can find a recipe somewhere."

"I should be getting home," the captain said. "Thank you for offering, but I don't need anything. Besides, I don't have a family."

"You don't?" Satomi asked, a sad look coming over her face. "Oh, I'm so sorry. You have to come, then, I'm sure a home-cooked meal will do you good. Sushi?"

"Are you watching these boys all by yourself?" The captain asked, changing the subject.

"Mm-hmm," Satomi said cheerfully. "All five of them. Well, three. Susumu and Etsuko can take care of themselves, I think."

"You have enough to worry about already," the captain said graciously. Satomi looked down at Shiro, who was tugging on her skirt. She knelt down to his height and he whispered something in her ear.

"How rude," she scolded immediately, flicking her finger at his nose.

"What did he say?" Captain Hitsugaya asked curiously, looking down at the little boy, who was staring up at him with a solemn expression.

"He said that your name is similar to his, and he asked if you were a bastard, too," Satomi said, blushing. "Please forgive him, he doesn't know what he's saying."

"Oh, no, I understand completely," Captain Hitsugaya replied. He smiled down at the boy. "You know," he said, "I have a friend who calls me Shiro-chan."

The boy's eyes widened.

"I knew it," he announced. "I'll bet he's a bastard just like me."

"I'm so sorry," Satomi said quickly, clapping a hand over the little boy's mouth. The captain chuckled.

"It's fine, really. He's young," he said affably. "I should probably get going now, but I'm sure I'll see you around."

"Thank you again," Satomi said. "Please, if you ever need a favor, I'd be glad to return one. Feel free to ask."

"I will," he said, smiling. He waved at the little boys as he turned and headed back the way he'd come.

"Do you like him, 'Tomi?" He heard little Shiro asked seriously.

"He's very nice," Satomi said graciously.

"You're going to marry him," Shiro announced, "and make lots of bastard babies. I'll be an uncle then."

"Be quiet, Shiro-chan," Satomi said, quickly hushing the boy before he went any further. She collected all three of her brothers and headed back towards the park.

"And Suguru will be an uncle too, but an evil one," Shiro added as they headed out of earshot. Chuckling to himself, Captain Hitsugaya made his way down the street towards Urahara's Shop – after glancing furtively behind him to make sure there was no paperwork with legs following him.

* * *

Once back at the shop, the captain paid no mind to his lieutenant's frantic questioning such as: Why are you smiling? Did something happen? Did you meet someone? Ooh, are you in love, captain?

"No," he said finally. "I am simply in… excuse me, _was_ simply in a good mood."

"Well, then, you wouldn't mind if I slipped out…" Matsumoto tried to leave the room, but the captain stopped her.

"I think I would," he said. Matsumoto dejectedly headed back to her seat overflowing with paperwork. She turned away from him and was silent.

"Out of curiosity, what do you think would happen if a Soul Reaper married a human?" Captain Hitsugaya asked curiously.

Matsumoto whipped around, at the same time spitting her mouthful of sake all over the paperwork.

"I knew it," she announced. "You're in love!"

"No, I was simply curious about what would happen," the captain replied calmly, not at all surprised at the source of her silence.

"Well, look at Isshin Kurosaki. He married a human, didn't he? Still lives around here, too," Matsumoto said thoughtfully, lifting the bottle to her lips. "Wait a minute, Kurosaki?" She suddenly exclaimed, dropping the bottle.

"Yes," the captain said, nodding. "Ichigo Kurosaki's father."

"I had no idea," Matsumoto said wonderingly. "Good for him."

"Who, Kurosaki or his father?" The captain asked.

"They're both 'Kurosaki,'" the lieutenant replied. "But I mean his father. How very interesting… to be honest, I've met his father, and I wasn't exactly impressed."

"I'm sure," Captain Hitsugaya said wryly. "To answer your question… s… during my walk I passed by the park and there was a little boy unattended. He walked into the street and I caught him before he was run over."

"My hero," Matsumoto said, hiccupping.

"Tell me, Matsumoto, have you also been drinking the entire time I was gone?" The captain asked exasperatedly.

"No," she said slowly, lowering her hand holding the bottle in a guilty manner. The captain sighed.

"Anyway, the girl in charge was his sister, who had her other brothers to look after and was momentarily indisposed. Now she won't let me go until she returns the favor," the captain finished.

"Go for it, cap'n," Matsumoto drawled. "Lay one on her."

"Matsumoto, I suggest you keep your mouth shut until you pass out and wake up sober and hung-over," Captain Hitsugaya said, well-aware of how it worked.

"I'm not drunk," Matsumoto exclaimed. "I'm come stone sober."

"Pray tell, what is a 'come stone?'" The captain asked.

"Er…" Matsumoto swayed slightly, staring off into the distance thoughtfully. "Means I'm going to sleep," she announced, and promptly fell over. The captain gave a long-suffering sigh and walked over to her, snatching the bottle from her unresisting hands.

He headed out into the main room of the shop and his gaze fell thoughtfully on the carpet in the corner that covered the trapdoor to the underground training area. He sidled up to it and brushed aside the carpet, then opened the trapdoor slightly. Whistling nonchalantly, he dropped the bottle down the bottomless hole.

Then he quickly left the shop before anyone could stop him.

* * *

Satomi reached the door of the house and opened it, then smartly stepped aside as the boys all threw their shoes down and raced indoors. Satomi followed at a leisurely pace.

"Does anyone know what the word 'sweet' means?" Satomi asked as the boys settled down.

"Candy!" Suguru and Shiro exclaimed at the same time. Satomi sighed. So much for trying to give them a new Word of the Week. She brightened up.

"What about the word 'futile?'" She asked.

"Um… foot fungus?" Shiro asked curiously.

"It means something impossible," Satomi explained.

"You mean like getting rid of foot fungus?" Suguru asked excitedly.

"Only if you have it already," Satomi said suspiciously. Suguru looked innocent.

"I just like the word 'foot fungus,'" he said.

"That's two words, genius," Etsuko said from nearby.

"Then I like both foots," Suguru said.

"Feet," Etsuko corrected.

"The things on the ends of my legs," Suguru said crossly, folding his arms. "They're called feets."

"One foot, two feet," Satomi explained. Suguru burst into tears.

"Now you both hate me!" He exclaimed, running down the hall and disappearing into his bedroom.

"Shiro-chan," Satomi asked hopefully, turning to his twin.

"I knew it! You hate me, too!" He cried, sobbing as he raced down the hall and into the bedroom after Suguru. Satomi hung her head.

"You can't win," Etsuko pointed out. "The best thing to do is have your weapon of choice approved by the police."

"Like?" Satomi asked.

"Chopsticks," Etsuko replied matter-of-factly. "It may be against the law to punish little boys with them, so just to be sure-"

"I'm not hitting them with chopsticks," Satomi exclaimed. She glanced down the hall. "Candy!" She yelled. The effect was instantaneous and was about the same volume as a rocket take-off.

"Me, me, me, me!" Shiro and Suguru exclaimed in chorus as the door was thrown open and they tripped over each other in an effort to reach their candy-providing sister.

"Oh, so I don't hate you after all," Satomi said, crossing her arms. Both boys stopped immediately upon realizing that they had been utterly duped.  
"Lying purposely means you hate us," Shiro pointed out.

"I'm only mildly unappealing," Suguru said innocently.

"Hey! I'm only mildly unappealing, remember? You're gross!" Shiro exclaimed.

"You know," Satomi began, sudden inspiration blossoming, "whenever you call one another a name, you're calling yourself that, because you're twins. That also means, if you hit each other, you're hitting yourself."

This, of course, had to be proved by Suguru staring accusingly at Shiro and then raising a hand and bringing it down on Shiro's head.

"Ah!" Shiro exclaimed. "Suguru hit himself!"

Suguru smiled evilly.

"That isn't working quite as well as you'd hoped," Susumu muttered from nearby.

"No," Satomi agreed.

"How about this? We'll all go get more candy! I'll bring you guys and you can pick out your own," she said brightly.

"You spoil them," Etsuko replied. The twins were less picky.

"Yeah!" Suguru exclaimed, high-fiving his twin. In that one moment when that sweet, sweet word was uttered, all was forgiven.

"Everyone, shoes back on!" Satomi said, clapping her hands. She reached down to pick up Bunta, who was watching the twins with a look of mild disgust. She followed the boys to the door.

"I want a lollipop as big as my head!" Shiro exclaimed.

"I want a lollipop as big as 'Tomi's head," Suguru said slyly. Shiro scowled.

"That's not fair," he exclaimed. "You can only eat your own head."

"Brains!" Suguru shrieked as Satomi finished wrestling shoes onto Bunta's little feet, then slid her feet into her own shoes. Susumu shut the door behind himself as Satomi headed down the steps after the twins.

"That way," Satomi said, nodding down the street in the direction of Urahara's Shop. This would be interesting, to say the least. She had never brought any of the boys with her before, so she'd love for them to meet Ururu, who she thought of as the little sister she never had.

"No running," she said immediately as the boys started to race each other down the street. "Watch for cars and stay on the sidewalk," Satomi added as an afterthought that really should've been her first.

"They know," Etsuko said, nodding towards the twins, who were getting as close to the street as possible while staying on the sidewalk.

"How about we play a game?" Satomi asked. The twins looked up excitedly as Satomi carefully put Bunta down. She took his hand and led him to the first crack in the sidewalk.

"Here are the rules," she said. "Stay in the middle of the sidewalk and hop over the cracks, okay? If you step on a crack, you explode."

"Isn't that a little violent to be putting into little boys' heads?" Etsuko asked, raising an eyebrow. Satomi shrugged.

"If I say just say they're out, the game isn't nearly as fun," she pointed out. She hopped over the next crack and lifted her arm to help Bunta over it. He gave a toothy grin.

"Yeah!" Shiro said, hopping over the next crack, and the next. Suguru followed, but he was running, just lengthening his stride for the cracks.

"Oh, and you have to walk and then jump over the cracks. You can't just step over them," Satomi added. Suguru scowled.

"Look," Satomi said suddenly, raising her hand to point. "That's the shop. You guys can go on ahead and pick something, okay?"

"Yeah!" Shiro repeated, and he and his twin were soon speeding towards Urahara's Shop. Etsuko, Susumu, and Satomi and Bunta followed at a walking pace, Satomi leading Bunta by the hand. Ururu and Jinta were outside, sweeping, and looked up as the twins raced into the yard and fought to yank open the sliding door.

"Hello again, Ururu!" Satomi called cheerfully. Upon seeing her, Ururu's eyes widened.

"Are these your brothers?" She asked, having never seen them before. Satomi nodded.

"This is Susumu and… well, how about we get inside and I'll introduce them all at the same time?" Satomi said thoughtfully as Shiro and Suguru disappeared inside the shop. Satomi swooped Bunta up and raced after them, biting her lip.

As she slid open the door to chase after them, she bumped into someone on the other side of the door.

"Oh! I'm sorry," she began, looking down. She immediately recognized the white hair, green eyes, and rather obvious height deprivation.

"Hitsugaya-san!" She exclaimed in surprise. "What a pleasure to see you. I didn't expect to see you here of all places."

"Satomi," Captain Hitsugaya said, nodding. Satomi glanced past his shoulder.

"Ooh, Shiro-chan!" She called, apologizing quickly as she pushed past the captain to get to Shiro, who was trying to shove as many candy bars as he could get away with down his pants.

"Shiro-chan?" Someone exclaimed, appearing in the back. "Is Hinamori here?"

Captain Hitsugaya winced. If there was one thing he didn't want to have to deal with at the moment, it was a frantic sister and five younger brothers plus a drunken lieutenant.

"Oh, how cute!" Matsumoto exclaimed, looking down at Shiro. "You shrunk, captain."

_Oh_, _no_, Captain Hitsugaya thought. _She_ _actually_… _thinks_ _he's_ _me_?

"And your hair looks darker," Matsumoto added. "Oh, well. Come on, captain, you've got paperwork to do." Matsumoto swooped up poor Shiro, who looked quite shocked.

"Um…"

Matsumoto turned slightly. Satomi stood there, her face unreadable.

"Ma'am, may I please have my little brother back?" She asked, holding her arms out for Shiro.

"I wouldn't say anything if I wasn't mostly sure, but I think she's probably a bastard, too," Shiro said confidentially in a stage whisper.

"What are you talking about?" Matsumoto slurred. "This here is my captain, I'm not handing him over to the likes of you. What are you, Bount? Espada? You working for Aizen?"

"Ma'am, I assure you, that is my little brother, and I would like him back now, please," Satomi said through gritted teeth. "I don't know what 'Bount' or 'Espada' means and I certainly don't know anyone named 'Aizen.'"

"Matsumoto," Hitsugaya interrupted, appearing beside his lieutenant and tapping her on the shoulder. "I think you'd better go on back to sleep and sleep off all that sake."

"Captain!" Matsumoto exclaimed. Hitsugaya began to smile until Matsumoto finished her sentence.

"Captain, there's two of you! Except… one is shorter and significantly less cool."

"Ma'am," Satomi began, her voice rising.

"Go to sleep, Matsumoto," Captain Hitsugaya said with a sigh, slamming his fist down onto his poor lieutenant's head. She wobbled slightly, then released her hold on Shiro and fell to the ground. Satomi snatched Shiro before he hit the ground.

"I'm terribly sorry," Hitsugaya said immediately. "That's my… cousin, Rangiku Matsumoto. I'm afraid she drank a little too much out with her friends last night, she's quite delusional."

"It's okay, my dad used to sound like that a lot of the time," Satomi said after checking over Shiro quickly to make sure he was okay. Finally, Shiro demanded to be let down because he wasn't about to let his 'bastard' get all the candy down _his _pants.

"Sometimes he drank a little too much," Satomi said as she watched Shiro race off, a distant look on her face. Urahara appeared from one of the rooms at the same time.

"Ah, Satomi-san! How nice to see you again, so soon…" Urahara looked down at the captain. "I see you've met," he said, ducking his head behind his fan with a sly grin.

"Urahara-san," Satomi greeted. "I brought my pint-size minions—I mean, brothers."

"I believe the term is interchangeable," Urahara said, looking around at all the boys. His gaze lingered for a moment on Etsuko and Ururu talking in the corner. He snapped his fan shut.

"A pleasure to meet you all, Brothers of Satomi," Urahara boomed cheerfully. Silence fell like the announcement of a piñata during the worst day of their lives.

"Are you a-" Shiro began, looking up at Urahara. Satomi clapped a hand over his mouth.

"No, he is not," she announced loudly.

"—bastard, too?" Suguru finished, looking up at Urahara with awe. Satomi groaned.

"That's what you get for having twin brothers," she muttered under her breath. "Cover both mouths or you get zero results."

"Anyway," Satomi said, taking her hand away from Shiro's mouth. "This is Shiro, that's his twin, Suguru, Bunta is over there, that's Etsuko and the oldest, Susumu."

"Nice to meet you all," Urahara said, tipping his hat. "I do hope you're planning on buying all of that – I don't think customers will buy it now."

Shiro looked down at his overflowing pants.

"Shiro-chan," Satomi exclaimed exasperatedly. "I don't know if I brought enough money with me. Take it all out, we'll see what the damage is."

"Me too?" Suguru asked, looking down at his own stuffed pants with a crestfallen face. Satomi nodded.

"All of you, now," she said firmly. She looked up at Urahara. "I'm terribly sorry, Urahara-san. Little boys can be such a handful."

"Maybe you should hire a babysitter," Urahara suggested. "Or get the older boys to help out a bit more."

Etsuko and Susumu both flashed Urahara a dirty look from across the room.

"I couldn't," Satomi said, shaking her head. "I suppose I'll probably have to do something extreme. I can't really punish them, so what I do now is I reward them for good behavior and give nothing for bad behavior."

"An interesting thought," Urahara admitted. "But that never works with little boys."

"Are you a father yourself?" Satomi asked wryly.

"Oh, heavens, no," Urahara said vehemently, chuckling. "I just speak from past experiences with people."

"I see." With a sigh, Satomi added up the costs of all the candy bars. "This is all I've got," she said, digging into her pockets and pulling up what money she had. "I can pay you the rest next time I come."

"I'll take care of it," Captain Hitsugaya offered, reaching into his own pockets.

"Oh, no, it's entirely my fault," Satomi said. "I should've been keeping both eyes on them the whole time. Please, you've done enough for me-"

"Nonsense," Captain Hitsugaya said. "If I don't help, my name will be sullied by a certain little boy with a similar name."

"Is it because we're nearly bastards?" Shiro asked suspiciously, crossing his little arms and glaring accusingly at Captain Hitsugaya. Captain Hitsugaya smiled slightly.

"Not quite," he said.

"I have enough money, mom and dad left us plenty when they left on their trip. I'll pay you back when I see you again?" Satomi offered.

"No, really, it was burning a hole in my pocket anyway," Captain Hitsugaya said, smiling.

"Well, now I definitely have to at least treat you to dinner. If you come to our house tomorrow night, you can join us for dinner and stay afterwards for a movie, if you'd like. You can also bring your cousin," Satomi said. "And don't try to wiggle out of it, you're coming whether you like it or not."

"I'd be glad to," Captain Hitsugaya said finally. "But I don't think my cousin would want to come."

"Come where?" Matsumoto asked from the floor. Captain Hitsugaya and Satomi both looked down.

"My house for dinner tomorrow night. I've just invited Toshiro, would you like to come as well?" Satomi asked.

"Oh!" Matsumoto exclaimed, sitting up. "Yes, I definitely would."

"It's settled then. Come around six?" Satomi suggested, looking back up at Captain Hitsugaya.

"I'll be there," he agreed. Satomi gave a real smile.

"It will be such a relief to have someone besides a bunch of brothers around the house. I guess we'll be going, then, so have a nice afternoon," Satomi said, nodding to each person in turn.

"You as well," Captain Hitsugaya replied.

"Shiro-chan! Pack it up!" Satomi hollered. The boys all began to collect the pile of candy from the floor slowly, filling their pockets.

"I'll see you again?" Ururu asked Etsuko softly. He flashed a grin.

"Most definitely," he replied. He leaned forward slightly.

Urahara was suddenly standing behind Ururu, towering over Etsuko with a dark, unreadable expression. Etsuko took one look at him, gulped, and then left to join his brothers. As the large family left, Captain Hitsugaya and Urahara exchanged looks.

"Ooh, captain's got a girlfriend," Matsumoto sang from behind him, clapping her hands excitedly.

"Go back to sleep, Matsumoto," Captain Hitsugaya said with a sigh as he headed into the back room and shut the door firmly behind him.


	3. Chapter 3

Satomi woke up blearily the following morning. After she had spent nearly all of last night thwarting her little brothers' attempts to 'put the candy out of its misery,' she had gotten barely any sleep. Beside her lay little Bunta, as he sometimes got lonely at night without his mother, so Satomi usually let him sleep in her bed. She watched him now, as the early morning light fell on his light brown hair and serene face.

Ha. He looked so cute when he didn't have his finger up his nose.

She heard soft footsteps and looked up slightly as a certain face showed up twice at her door. It was the two bastards – uh, twins.

"Hey," Satomi whispered, waving them over. Shiro and Suguru raced over, their feet beating out a cheerful pattern on the hardwood floors as they crawled into the bed beside Satomi for a morning snuggle.

"Bunta's still asleep, so be quiet," Satomi whispered, even though she knew it was about as futile as telling a bull in a china shop to watch his horns.

"Can we have the candy for breakfast?" Shiro asked eagerly in a half-obedient stage whisper. Suguru nodded enthusiastically.

"No," Satomi said with a sigh. "You can have some after lunch."

"Right, 'cause your boyfriend's coming over to dinner," Suguru said understandingly.

"Whoever said Hitsugaya-san was my boyfriend?" Satomi demanded, rolling over to face the two impish twins.

"It's kind of obvious," Shiro said, glancing at Suguru for support. Satomi blushed slightly and smiled at the five-year-olds who she was certain had no idea what they were talking about.

"I don't think so," Satomi said, shaking her head. "He's very nice, certainly—"

"And cute," Shiro added.

"And irresistible," Suguru said, making kissy faces. Satomi frowned.

"He's very nice and yes, mildly attractive, but I assure you, we are in no way romantically involved," she said firmly.

"We're going to be uncles," Shiro whispered to his twin excitedly.

"You can be the boring uncle," Suguru said, shaking his head. "I'm going to be the fun uncle."

"Evil," Shiro and Satomi corrected automatically. Suguru burst into tears.

"Ah! You're going to wake up Bunta!" Satomi exclaimed, clapping a hand over his mouth. "You can be the fun uncle!"

"But…" Shiro began, sniffling.

"You can be Uncle Awesome, and Suguru can be Uncle Fun," Satomi said, nodding. "You can both be really awesome uncles. Wait a minute, what am I saying? Hitsugaya-san and I are not getting married!"

"Oh, is that what this is all about?" Etsuko asked from the door. Satomi sighed.

"They're arguing about who gets to be the fun uncle and who gets to be the boring uncle when I get married to Toshiro. Which I'm not!" She added quickly, just in case Etsuko started getting any ideas.

"Well," the thirteen-year-old began, sitting on the edge of the bed. "We'd all be uncles, certainly. The child would have plenty of uncles. I can't guarantee they'd all be fun, but I'd certainly like to be the ring bearer or something. When is the wedding planned?"

"I'm not getting married," Satomi hissed through gritted teeth. "What part of this don't you understand? Not. N-O-T. It sounds like knot but without the K. I'm NOT getting married ANYTIME soon."

"So tomorrow, then?" Shiro suggested eagerly. Satomi sighed.

"No," she said shortly. "I'm getting married in a million years."

"How many is that in my years?" Suguru asked, frowning.

"A million," Etsuko said with a sigh. He raised a hand. "By then, the old priest with be saying something along the lines of, 'from dust you came, and from dust you will return, probably sometime within the next week.'"

"Gee, thanks," Satomi said sarcastically. "I'm not marrying Toshiro, okay? We don't know each other nearly well enough."

Suguru slowly turned to Shiro. A smile spread across the twins' faces simultaneously, a smile that made you think twice about taking your eyes off of them for a moment.

"Dinner will be really fun," Suguru commented with a nasty grin as he hopped off the bed and disappeared out the room.

"Yeah," Shiro added. He hopped off the bed and stopped in the doorway, turning back to his older sister and brother. "You didn't see anything," he whispered, then whipped around and scrambled after his twin.

"Why do I get the feeling that if I don't cancel this dinner or lock Thing 1 and Thing 2 up in a closet and throw away the key, I'm really going to regret it?" Satomi wondered aloud. With a sigh, Etsuko put a hand on her shoulder.

"You will," he said, nodding slowly. "You will."

* * *

Captain Hitsugaya turned slightly towards his lieutenant.

"You're not coming to dinner, I presume," he stated.

"Well, actually, I was," Matsumoto said cheerfully. "It's going to be so much fun! I'll bring a potato salad and maybe a dessert. I'm sure the kids will love that."

"Perfect," the captain sighed. So much for an uneventful dinner. With Matsumoto there, nothing could possibly be uneventful. Not even a funeral, for heavens' sake.

"What time was it again? Six? Seven?" Matsumoto murmured as she held up a bright pink scarf to her neck and stared at it critically.

"Six, I believe," Captain Hitsugaya said. "And if you don't want to be late, you should make what food you're planning on making and then decide what to wear."

"Captain," Matsumoto said cheerfully, turning around. "What do you think? Pink or blue? I have a violet dress I could wear, in which case I'd wear the pink, or I could wear that white sundress and the blue would look fantastic."

"Blue," Captain Hitsugaya said distractedly. Matsumoto grinned and tossed the pink scarf onto the chair, then gaily headed into another room. Captain Hitsugaya was doomed, he knew. And worse, Matsumoto would destroy the poor girl's house. Why, oh why had he accepted the invitation? Just then Renji Abarai appeared, scowling.

"What happened to you?" Captain Hitsugaya found himself asking. Poor Renji had bandages wrapped around his head. Renji slowly turned to face the captain.

"Someone dropped a bottle of sake on my head," he replied. "I was down in Urahara-san's training area, and it came out of nowhere. Strange, don't you think?"

"Yes, very," Hitsugaya replied, hiding his mirth. "What a coincidence."

* * *

_Ding-dong_.

Satomi opened the door, barring the way with her own body to keep the children from racing out of the house and causing havoc for the neighbors.

"Oh, Hitsugaya-san! I'm so glad you came!" Satomi said, very slowly edging the door wider. Behind the captain, Matsumoto was there in a white dress and blue scarf, and she grinned and waved. Satomi let both guests in and very quickly shut the door behind them, nearly catching Matsumoto's scarf. The captain was immediately swarmed.

"You're here!"

"I knew you were coming. We planned it," followed by mischievous laughter.

"Is Ururu coming?"

"Will these children ever shut up?"

The captain made an effort to smile as Satomi pushed past the children and led them down the hallway.

"I suppose it's a little early for dinner," she said apologetically. "But it's already ready, so we can eat whenever you'd like."

"Let's watch a movie!" Suguru exclaimed.

"Please, not Dinosaur Train," Susumu groaned.

"It is educational," Etsuko pointed out.

"It is junk," Susumu replied.

"No movies until after dinner," Satomi snapped. She turned back towards the captain. "Please feel free to settle yourself in the living room… it was clean, at some point, but now I'm almost afraid to look…"

"That's fine," the captain said awkwardly. There was a moment of silence. Satomi cleared her throat and headed down the entrance hallway towards the kitchen.

"Can I be the uncle first?" Shiro asked excitedly. Toshiro didn't even want to know.

"How cute!" Matsumoto exclaimed, clapping her hands gleefully. "I brought a potato salad, Satomi!"

"Oh, thank you," Satomi said from the kitchen. "Feel free to put in on the counter here. I'm really glad you could both make it. Now if only the kids don't ruin it, hopefully your stay will be a pleasant one. I'm afraid you may find that it's very difficult for these boys to keep anything in pristine con—ah!"

There was a short shriek and then a thump, and the captain was by Satomi's side immediately, Flash Stepping to the kitchen in seconds.

"What's the matter?" he demanded. Satomi was on the floor in front of the refrigerator, the door of which was wide open. Satomi tried to get up.

"Apparently someone buttered the floor," she said confusedly, slipping and falling back to the floor hard. The captain tried to help her up, but his feet hit the patch of slippery floor and he, too was mercilessly thrown over Satomi. Blushing furiously, Satomi was able to grab a towel from the handle of the oven and she dropped the towel on the floor, over the slippery patch, and stood up, then helped Toshiro to his feet.

They didn't notice the little eyes watching eagerly that immediately retreated with a disappointed look.

"I'm really sorry," Satomi said, getting onto her hands and knees and starting to rub out the butter. "I guess something must've spilled earlier, and I didn't notice it…"

"It's fine," the captain said graciously. Satomi nodded and smiled, but her face was flushed with embarrassment. If she got her hands on those kids, by golly, they would regret it…

"Please feel free to sit at the table," Satomi said, gesturing to the table where five boys already sat looking disgustingly innocent. "I might as well bring out dinner."

* * *

"Dinner was wonderful," Captain Hitsugaya said, putting his plate in the sink. Satomi smiled.

"I'm glad you think so," she said. "That's the second attempt."

"Oh? What happened to the first?" the captain asked curiously.

"They happened," Satomi said wryly, jerking a thumb in the direction of her brothers. "I'm afraid nothing's safe from them."

"I see," the captain said. He really did see, he wasn't saying it just to humor her. He was somewhat surprised though – not only had all of the 'Brothers of Satomi' left the table immediately, but Matsumoto had gone with them. When faced with this thought, the captain was immediately on his guard. Wherever Matsumoto was, trouble followed. Sometimes it was in the shape of a sake bottle.

"Where'd it go?" Satomi muttered, fishing around in a cabinet. The captain stood up.

"Are you looking for something?" he asked. Satomi laughed awkwardly.

"Um… for no reason at all, I was looking for the colander. It isn't here," she said. "No need to be worried, though. The kids probably took it. Er… I can't even imagine why they'd need a colander… or all of my plastic wrap, for that matter. Shiro-chan! Etsuko! What did you guys do with the plastic wrap and the colander?"

There was no reply. The captain stood up slowly and stopped Satomi with an arm as she began to move forward. She looked down at him in surprise.

"Let me," Captain Hitsugaya said shortly. Satomi was curious as the captain made his way out of the kitchen, and Satomi tiptoed along behind him as he headed down the hall. The lights suddenly flickered, then went out. Satomi clapped her hands over her mouth in horror as the captain kept walking. He turned to enter a room.

"Gah!" he exclaimed, leaping back – right into Satomi. Satomi automatically stepped back and her foot made contact with a roller skate that just happened to be on the floor. There was a short shriek as the lights flashed back on and Satomi was there, crushing the poor little captain under her body. She immediately got up, blushing furiously, and reached down to give him a hand.

"I am so sorry," she said, looking at the door to the room. A thin sheet of plastic wrap covered the doorway, something that wouldn't shine if there hadn't been any light. Satomi scowled. Darn those boys, ruining a perfectly good night. Satomi bent over to snatch the roller skate.

"Hitsugaya-san," Satomi said apologetically. "Er… it seems they have it in for us."

"That's right," said an imperial voice from behind them. They turned simultaneously to see little Shiro-chan holding a wooden spoon dangerously pointed at the pair, the missing colander crooked on his head like a helmet. His face was serious, his lips pursed in a way that showed that he meant business.

"I have good news and bad news," the captain said as he straightened up. "The good news is… I found your colander. The bad news is, it's being worn by the enemy."

"E-enemy?" Shiro said, surprised. His spoon faltered. "I didn't… mean to put it that way! It was all somebody else's idea!"

"And we're not backing down until you achieve lip-lock," said a new voice. The captain's jaw dropped.

"Matsumoto? You're in on this?" he demanded. Matsumoto smirked.

"I was a double agent the whole time, and to think; you never suspected a thing. Ever since I brought the potato salad in the door, our goal has been to use whatever means are necessary to get Satomi and Hitsugaya-tai—I mean, er, Toshiro—to kiss. We almost succeeded there, but sadly all we got was a second embarrassing fall," Matsumoto replied smugly. "Yes! It was, in fact, _Etsuko_ who buttered the floor, and Susumu who placed plastic wrap on the door, and thanks to Suguru's roller skate, we have nearly completed our goal!"

"I can't believe it," Satomi said, shaking her head. "Not Rangiku-san! How could you do this to us? After all we've been through?"

"It was simple to convince her," Etsuko said, appearing at the end of the hall with a sly smile on his face. "You see; she has secretly wanted this all along! It was your own foolishness that cost you the victory."

"You better not have used the good butter," Satomi warned.

"I didn't," Etsuko assured her. "You can make brownies with the good stuff later."

"Sure," Satomi agreed. She shook her head and threw out her hand dramatically. "Now unhand us, evil fiends!"

"Not until lip-lock is achieved," Suguru said petulantly. "It would've happened sooner had anyone told me what it was, but everyone's just like 'when you're older.'"

"Er…" Satomi blushed, knowing all too well what they meant. Operation Lip-lock would be completed by the end of the night if Satomi didn't do something about it. Satomi suddenly took up a protective stance, her hands shoving deeply into her pockets.

"Oh, boys," she said, grinning evilly. "Candy."

She thrust her hands into the air, yanking her reserve candy bars and throwing them. The candy bars soared over their heads and they turned as one, their eyes wide with yearning. Satomi grabbed Hitsugaya and raced down the hall, straight past the boys and back into the kitchen, where she pushed him down behind the counter, panting.

"We'll need weapons," she said, getting to her feet and quickly crossing the room, then hiding behind the refrigerator. Captain Hitsugaya was somewhat confused.

"Here, stuff your pockets," Satomi said, tossing a pack of mints towards the captain, who caught it. "This is Brother-no-Bother. Simply throw it and run the other way. Foolproof. You'll need this, too."

The captain found something else being shoved into his hands and looked down in surprise at the water gun.

"This must happen a lot," he commented.

"No, not really," Satomi admitted. "This was supposed to be for the zombie apocalypse, but you know how the world works. Nothing ever goes according to plan. I have one too; we're not supposed to use them indoors, but this is an emergency, so I don't think mom and dad will mind too much as long as we clean up after ourselves."

"I see." The captain looked down at the strange device. "How does it work?"

In reply, the captain found himself facing nozzle head-on. The next thing he knew, he was sprayed with a steady stream of water. Satomi brought the gun back up and blew on the nozzle.

"Like so," she said impishly. The captain sputtered as Satomi crouched beside him, peering over the counter.

"We'll need some sort of diversion," she said. She turned towards the captain, her eyes sorrowful. "I'll distract them, Hitsugaya-san, and you run. Just run and don't look back. If… if I don't ever see you again, I want to let you know that these past few days have been bearable thanks to you. I… you're just going to let me go on, aren't you?"

"You're facing a toddler armed with a spoon," the captain pointed out. "The odds are in your favor. But go ahead, keep talking."

"No," Satomi said disgustedly. She hefted the gun. "Wish me luck."

And then she was gone, just like that. The captain watched her go, feeling strangely useless. He was, of course, trained on the battlefield, and knew how to fight with a sword, but water guns were not his forte. Nevertheless, he stood up.

Something yellow and sharp hit him squarely in the head. Hitsugaya swayed momentarily, then tottered forward. Satomi appeared suddenly, just in time to catch the falling captain. Her eyes were wide with fear.

"Stay with me, Hitsugaya-san!" she exclaimed, shaking him. The captain groaned.

"I didn't expect them to be wielding bananas," she said apologetically. "I'm so sorry… this is my entire fault…"

"Yes!" crowed Etsuko's voice from the living room direction. "We have your fruit bowl. If you want it back, leave five – excuse me, six – brownies in a bowl on the table and walk away slowly."

"I don't have brownies," Satomi said in a frantic whisper to the captain. She raised her voice, looking over the countertop. "I don't negotiate with terrorists!"

"Now, or the fruit bowl gets it!" Etsuko warned.

"That was our grandmother's!" Satomi shrieked, leaping up, gun held at the ready. Revenge! She raised the nozzle to point it directly at her startled younger brother and switched the nozzle to full blast. Then she yanked the trigger with all her might. Her brother's eyes were frozen in terror as it hit him full-force and he shot backwards into the couch with an eloquent curse word.

"Don't say that word," Satomi exclaimed, shocked. Etsuko apologized as he got unsteadily to his feet, soaking wet. He disappeared quickly around the corner to regroup, and Satomi ducked back behind the counter. She looked down at the gun in her hands. "I need to reload," she said, turning to Captain Hitsugaya. "Cover me!"

She leapt up and raced to the sink, and Captain Hitsugaya had no choice but to face away from her, his gun held at the ready, feeling extraordinarily foolish. There was no one there, but one can never be too careful. Captain Hitsugaya watched with a bored expression as Satomi hurriedly filled the water gun at the faucet, then ducked back down at the counter, yanking the captain after her.

"Now what?" he asked.

"That's a good question," Satomi whispered. "I think we're going to need a plan. We can't just jump in there, guns blazing. What about Rangiku-san? Does she have any weak points we can somehow exploit?"

"Not unless you have any rum chocolates," the captain said. Satomi shrugged.

"I have dad's moonshine. Will that work?"

The captain's jaw nearly dropped at this statement. Moonshine, here, in a house of six children. That seemed like a somewhat careless plan. However, if a bottle of moonshine meant that Matsumoto could be stopped, it was worth a try. The captain nodded.

"That should do."

"One problem," Satomi continued. "It was hidden behind the colander."

There was a moment of silence.

"You don't think…" the captain trailed off, unable to complete that sentence.

"That's what I was looking for," Satomi admitted. "I make sure it's still there every night, because it could be disastrous if the kids found it. The colander was missing, and I didn't see the bottle either."

"Anything else?" the captain asked hopefully.

"Yes," Satomi said thoughtfully. "I think I mentioned it before, but dad's a drinker. Dad keeps his best sake in the refrigerator for romantic nights with mom, but that's his very special stuff. We're not allowed to even think about it, let alone feed it to our friends. I don't think he'd like it very much."

The captain was silent. If they used the special sake, he'd have to pay it back. However, the only other option was kissing Satomi, because he knew that it was going to have to happen at some point. Right now, the captain was leaning towards Operation Lip-lock. Satomi somehow knew what he was thinking, because the next thing he knew, the banana that had nearly given him a concussion earlier was stuffed into his mouth, apparently peeling being unnecessary.

"Have a banana," Satomi said graciously. The captain mumbled a 'thank you' around the yellow fruit. He spat out the banana and got to his feet to peer over the countertop. Oddly enough, the children still had not shown up. He looked back down at Satomi.

"Let's go," he said. "We can take them by surprise."

"Surprise doesn't exist in a house of sugar-crazed younger brothers," Satomi said, shaking her head. "Pardon my French, but we don't have a chance in hell."

The captain refrained from telling her that he was trained in stealth and instead sighed. "Trust me, why don't you? We have the odds in our favor, remember? Plus, we're armed."

"They are too. Have you ever been smacked with a wooden spoon? It hurts more than you'd think," Satomi said woefully. The captain grasped her hand and yanked her to her feet.

"Let's go," he said. Satomi had no choice but to follow.


	4. Chapter 4

Satomi gulped. It wasn't that being this close to the captain was causing her to turn bright pink, it was more of the… not being able to get away part. She couldn't imagine how the little devils could've wrapped them together with layers of kite string without their noticing, but now she was pressed a little too close for comfort. Luckily, the captain was saved from some embarrassment by the fact that if he had been two inches shorter his face would have been in Satomi's chest. However, even with that not being the case, it was very uncomfortable.

"Er… I'm not even going to suggest the pocketknife in my back pocket," Satomi said. "I've seen too many movies. Someone's hand will end up down someone's pants."

"Thank you for that pleasant image," the captain said somewhat sarcastically. There was a moment of awkward silence.

"I was thinking about the whisky," Satomi said thoughtfully. "Was it just me, or was that the bottle that was glinting which made you protectively bowl me over which ended in us standing here bound together with kite string?"

"I think it was," the captain replied. "I saw something glinting and thought it was a sword… fish. A swordfish."

"A swordfish?" Satomi repeated. She shook her head, her chin flattening the captain's spiky, hair-gelled masterpiece. "I have no clue why you would possibly think it was a swordfish, but I don't see it anymore. I think it was empty, too, so at least one of them should start dropping like a fly."

"Yes," the captain replied. "Matsumoto will."

"Probably true," Satomi admitted.

There was yet another moment of awkward silence.

"Where are those little devils now?" Satomi wondered aloud. "They're probably watching from somewhere afar. Guys, we can't kiss like this! I'm too tall to reach Hitsugaya-san's lips while being this close!"

The captain was happy because, rather than referring to him as being short, she had referred to herself as tall. That made him happy. However, the first order of business was getting out of this, and they needed something sharp, which neither of them had. Kite string was surprisingly durable.

"I know," Satomi said suddenly. "There's a pair of scissors in the kitchen. I can get it if… no, never mind, it's too horrible."

"What?" the captain asked immediately.

"Well," Satomi began slowly. "It's in a high cabinet, so the only way I could get it is if I stood on the counter, which would mean sitting first with you in my lap, then slowly edging up using the side of the refrigerator as leverage and dragging you along with me."

"Any other ideas?" the captain asked hopefully.

"Steak knife," Satomi replied blandly. "Well, let's make our way back to the kitchen and hopefully I can get something sharp. Oh! I may have left the knife I used to cut vegetables in the sink instead of washing it and putting it away, in which case I could cut the string, but I could accidentally cut myself while angling the knife under the rope."

"I'll do it," the captain suggested. "Kitchen first, though. Step right on the count of three. One, two, and three…"

There was a shuffling sound, and the pair was one step down.

"How about a step every two beats? One, two, step; three, four, step; one, two, step; like that?" Satomi suggested.

"It would be faster," the captain said through gritted teeth. One, two, step; one, two, step; one, two, step. Finally, they reached the kitchen. Satomi looked into the sink.

"I don't think your arms are long enough to reach the knife bound up like that," Satomi said. "I'll do it. My left arm is free up to my elbow." Satomi stood with her back to the sink as she groped for the knife. The captain found himself being pulled against her body even tighter as she struggled, but he tried to ignore it.

"Got it," Satomi said triumphantly. The captain nodded.

"Be careful," he warned.

"Hold still," Satomi said in reply. The next few seconds were the stillest seconds the captain had ever spent while conscious. Finally, there was a snapping sound, and the captain was free.

"Ow," Satomi said, grimacing as she looked down at her hand. She had accidentally nicked the side of her hand while getting the knife in the right position, and a thin streak of blood dripped down her fingers. The captain looked around for some sort of first aid kit as Satomi wrapped a paper towel around her wrist.

"It's okay, I'll get a Band-Aid later," Satomi said, stopping him with her good hand. "I just want to catch those kids before anything worse happens."

"You sure?" the captain asked doubtfully.

"Are you kidding?" Satomi retorted. "I've never been so sure of anything in my entire life. Where did the water guns go?"

"I don't know," the captain said.

"We'll need the Brother-no-Bother, then," Satomi said grimly. The captain froze with a sheepish grin plastered on his face. Satomi's eyes found his, and he looked away innocently. Satomi gave a slow sigh of one long-suffering. "You ate it, didn't you?" she asked. The captain's face betrayed him. Satomi sighed once more.

"Take some of mine," she said, reaching into her pockets. She handed the captain some of her candy bars.

"We basically have enough to last through a nuclear holocaust," she said. "We won't run out anytime soon. I haven't actually caught sight of those kids for a while, though… I hate to think about what they're up to… thinking about it, I don't think I even saw them when we were caught by kite string. Where do you think they are?"

"Military bunker?" the captain suggested. Etsuko seemed like the smart one, so he wouldn't put it past them. Satomi rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, I'm sure that's it," she said sarcastically, but she really was worried. The captain noticed her biting her lip.

"I'll find them," the captain said suddenly. He focused. Judging by their Spiritual Pressure, they were somewhere at the end of the hall. He relayed this information, and Satomi looked doubtful.

"How do you know?" she asked.

"Intuition," the captain replied vaguely. Satomi shrugged.

"I have an idea," she said. "I can melt what chocolate remains on the stove, then drip it down the hallway. It will make a huge mess that I will then have to clean up, but I have a net for… er… delicate materials when going through the wash that we can use to snag them all while we're at it. I have huge laundry bags, actually, enough for one for each of them, which may work better. Rangiku-san might be a little big, though…"

"That's fine," the captain interrupted. "Matsumoto is passed out on the floor from the whisky. A whole bottle will to that to you, not to mention a whole bottle of foreign stuff. Who knows where it's been?"

Satomi stayed silent, although she wondered how the captain knew of this information. She shrugged.

"It's worth a try. The laundry bags are in the bedroom on the far wall, we can just dump out what's already in them and drag them down—" before Satomi even finished, the captain had Flash Stepped to the bedroom and snatched the five laundry bags he found there. He had them back within moments, and Satomi blinked as he held them up.

"Wow," she said. "You're… really fast."

"Track team," the captain replied, dumping the bags out onto the kitchen floor. "Let's hurry it up, shall we? Go ahead and melt the chocolate."

Satomi nodded and stood up, deftly grasping the handle of a pot from the open shelf. She dropped it onto the stove, clicked the flame on, and dumped all of the chocolate she had left into the pot. Now they only needed to wait.

* * *

Satomi held the pot in one hand with an oven-mitt and a spoon in her other hand, stirring the chocolate so that it didn't harden. "Er… can we lay down a tarp or something?" she asked. She just couldn't spill the chocolate down the hardwood floors. It was wrong to her. In reply, the captain snagged the other oven mitt and took the pot from her, then tossed it. The pot clanged as it rolled down the hallway, spraying the floor and walls with chocolate. Satomi moaned.

The effect was instantaneous. The door shot open and three boys raced out followed by a warier older two to literally lick the chocolate off the walls. Satomi made a face.

"Boys are so gross," she whispered.

"Thank you," the captain replied. Satomi blushed slightly. "How's your hand?" the captain asked, looking down at her hand hidden by the oven mitt.

"It stopped bleeding," Satomi said. "You have the laundry bags?"

"Yep."

"One… two… three…"

And then the two slid down the chocolate-covered hallway, bags held at the ready. The shocked faces of Satomi's younger brothers were a sight to see as first Bunta, then Shiro and Suguru were snatched into sacks. Satomi made sure their heads popped out before she drew the strings tight around their necks, capturing them. The captain, meanwhile, tackled Etsuko and forcibly fit him into the sack.

Susumu leaned against the hall looking bored.

"I surrender," he said, holding his hands up protectively as Satomi advanced with a laundry sack. At least one of them had some sense.

Satomi and Captain Hitsugaya met each other back at the end of the hall, covered in chocolate, looking triumphantly down at the chocolate-smeared laundry bags that held struggling little boys. Satomi grinned, looking over at the captain.

"I'll take care of them," she said. "So much for an uneventful evening, I guess. It's a lot later than I thought it was."

"I had fun," the captain admitted.

"Maybe we can do this again sometime?" Satomi suggested.

"Maybe next time just dinner and a movie?" the captain suggested. Satomi grinned.

"It's a plan."

"Hey!" Shiro sniffled. "You forgot about us! We were only trying to help!"

"Is that what we were doing?" Etsuko said thoughtfully.

Satomi glowered at them until they were quiet. Her hands immediately went to her hips, and she tapped her foot.

"You are in a world of trouble," she hissed. The four boys hung their heads, or, rather, all except Bunta, who somehow managed to get his finger up his nose past the string loosely tied around his neck.

"You should probably get your cousin and go home," Satomi said sorrowfully, turning to the captain. "It's pretty late. I'm really sorry for what happened. I didn't expect the children to be so… enthusiastic."

"Well," the captain began slowly. "It was an interesting first date."

"Oh, but it wasn't…" Satomi began quickly. She sighed when she saw the captain's teasing grin. She smiled. "It was very interesting, certainly," she said. "Um… I don't know if… that is to say… would you mind…?"

Satomi smiled slowly, then leaned forward slightly. Her hand met the captain's chin and tilted his head up ever so carefully, and then she gave him a gentle kiss on his forehead. The captain's eyes were wide as she pulled away.

"Sorry, but you are pretty cute," Satomi said, blushing furiously.

"Is that so?" Suguru said shortly. "Why Operation Lip-lock, I ask? If I knew they were going to do that, I would have just called it Operation Yuck. Why does nobody tell me these things?"

"Lip-lock achieved!" Etsuko crowed triumphantly. Satomi rolled his eyes.

"It was just his forehead," she complained.

"You go, cap'n!" someone slurred from the doorway behind them. "Lay one on her!"

With a sigh, Captain Hitsugaya turned to help Matsumoto to her feet. Supporting the busty lieutenant carefully, he looked back at Satomi.

"Thank you for dinner," he said gratefully. "It was wonderful."

Satomi gave a little wave and watched as the chocolate-smeared child prodigy, supporting his 'cousin,' headed out the door. A pleasant smile was plastered on Satomi's face, but after the door closed behind them, she turned very, very slowly to face her four little brothers, who reeled back in terror.

"You… are… dead," she said slowly with a terrifying smile on her face.

* * *

The End


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